Splitting the Check: Money Tips for Dating

How much are you willing to pay for a date? Dating isn't cheap. It turns out, the average person spends $58.84 on a date, and two-thirds of Americans feel stressed about finances when organizing a date, according to a 2024 survey from Self.

Making a date through an app can increase the uncertainty about who pays for what and when. With the younger folks I've talked to, the consensus about app dating seems to be that whoever initiates the date pays—or at least they agree to split the bill. Older daters may take a more traditional approach. So how do you find financial harmony when dating? Here are five things to keep in mind.

A first date could go better if you're not worrying about that awkward moment when the check arrives. If you're doing the asking and plan to pick up the tab, saying that upfront could make it easier on both of you.  Maybe it depends on the type of date. If it's coffee or a casual lunch, you could say it's on you. If it's a fancy dinner and it's going to strain your budget, you could suggest going halves. Whatever the situation, agreeing on how you'll handle the check before you go out could make that first date a lot more comfortable.

But what about the next few dates? In past generations, the man traditionally paid, but with changing gender roles and same-sex couples, those traditions don't hold anymore. There's no right or wrong way to go about it. Some people feel whoever makes the most money should pay. Others believe it should be an equal split. Or maybe you switch off, and one person picks up Friday night while the other pays for Saturday. Whatever feels right to you. Once you begin dating on a consistent basis, deciding together who pays for what can help you learn a lot about each other's money values and perhaps save some heartache later.

Does spending more money on a date lead to a more successful relationship? More than 64% of respondents to the Self survey think it does. I'm not so sure. The answer probably depends on your expectations, personality, values, and what you look for in a connection.

Of course you want to put your best foot forward, but to me that's less about money, and more about the conversation, mutual consideration, and how each of you listen and respond. Going to the hottest new restaurant might not matter as much if you're not curious about each other's interests and experiences.

And a date doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg. Think about less expensive or free activities. Maybe your employer has benefits like free tickets to a museum or sports event. A date can be as simple as a walk in the park, a picnic, or a game night with friends. My take is not to measure a date by the amount of money spent, but by how the time is spent.

Differing money attitudes and values can trigger a lot of emotions relating to control, respect, and self-worth. The earlier you discover how compatible you are in terms of spending, saving, and earning money, the more successful your relationship could be.

Listen for cues and try to understand each other's values and attitudes. For example, does one of you want to go to the trendiest restaurants and clubs while the other prefers to try a new recipe and make dinner at home? Does one want the luxury of a 5-star resort while the other would rather experience the local flavor of an area? Does someone seem to be living beyond their means?

Ask questions—and listen to the answers. They include money cues that can help you understand how someone was brought up, how they feel about spending and saving, the lifestyle they have now, and the future lifestyle they want. Understanding someone's lifestyle can give you insight into a lot of things, including how they use money.

Once you get into a relationship, don't put yourself in debt trying to be someone you're not. Consider what you can truly afford and how the money you spend on dating fits into your overall financial plan.

Start by creating a spending plan. Subtract your monthly essential expenses from your paycheck so you know what you have available to spend on things like your social life. Before you spend that extra money on dating, make sure you're prioritizing these other important money management goals:

• Saving for retirement. Contribute to your employer-sponsored retirement plan to at least get the full company match. Or if you don't have an employer sponsored plan, consider saving in an IRA or Roth IRA if you’re eligible.
• Paying down debt. Focus on non-deductible, high-interest debt like credit cards and personal loans—prioritize paying off high interest debt.
• Preparing for emergencies. Build an emergency fund to cover three-to-six months' worth of essential living expenses. Make a list of how much you need to cover basic necessities. Then decide to keep that amount somewhere relatively liquid and safe, like a savings account or money market fund.

Also be sure to keep your personal goals in focus. For instance, are there big-ticket items you're saving for like a new car or a home down payment? What about paying off student loans? Be careful you don't shortchange these important financial goals to spend more on dating. Instead, as part of your spending plan, consider automating money toward these goals from every paycheck.

As your relationship grows, the fact that you're on top of these other important financial life goals could mean more than the most impressive date.

Money is a major issue for many couples and can cause a tremendous amount of stress throughout a relationship if you don't have a mutual understanding. So even though it may feel uncomfortable, have the money talk sooner rather than later. Talk about each other's feelings as well as the practical issues.

Discuss things like what makes each of you feel successful and how you'd handle money as a couple, especially if one person earns more than the other. As your relationship continues, keep the conversation going to help avoid potential money misunderstandings.

Dating is about setting the stage for a relationship both emotionally and financially. And to me, it's never too early to start thinking about your future money goals, both as individuals and as a couple. Be open, be honest, be smart about money, and most of all be you. That's a good start to any healthy relationship.