The Complexities of Multigenerational Living

My mother-in-law is struggling to live on her own, both financially and physically. We'd like her to move in with us, but our daughter recently returned home after graduating from college. What can we do to help make the arrangement work for everyone?

Multigenerational living arrangements like yours are becoming increasingly common. Over the past 50 years, the number of U.S. households with at least two generations under one roof has nearly quadrupled, according to a recent report by the Pew Research Center.¹ What's more, the latest census data shows that 7.2% of Americans live with three or more generations in their home.²

The reasons behind this shift are recognizable. New graduates are finding it tougher to break into the workforce as the cost of living keeps climbing. At the same time, older adults needing additional care may find it easier to live with their families, who can share the household duties and expenses.

As wonderful as it can be for families to live under one roof, this can be tricky to navigate. However, there are things you can do to help minimize the stress and maximize the gains of a multigenerational household.

With multigenerational living, you're sandwiched between two very different versions of adulthood. Your daughter is trying to establish her independence, while your aging mother-in-law may be feeling that hers is slipping away.

The key to balancing these emotions is to develop a rhythm that works for everyone. To avoid feeling like you're running a boarding house, establish household roles that are fair and meaningful. Rather than assigning tasks, invite family members to take ownership of responsibilities that align with their daily routines, interests, or physical abilities.

It's just as important to discuss boundaries and expectations up front. For example, how often will you eat dinner together? Do you want advance notice when guests visit? Adult children and aging parents may crave more autonomy, so coming to an agreement early can help prevent misunderstandings as you settle into this new dynamic.

Living at home can be a soft landing while young adults look for employment or save to get a place of their own, but it can also slow down their progress toward independence. To help ensure your daughter keeps moving forward:

• Set expectations early: When my niece wanted to move back home, my sister had two stipulations: pay rent and contribute to retirement savings. This allowed her daughter to remain financially accountable and learn to prioritize her future, as well as avoid any sense of entitlement.
• Share financial knowledge: Create a weekly or monthly budget together, talk openly about spending habits and managing debt, and involve her in monthly bill paying.

As for your mother-in-law, you have to consider her current financial situation as well as her future needs. Has she planned for long-term care, either with extra savings or insurance? Research anticipates that today's seniors will require an average of three to five years of long-term services and support during their lifetime,³ so it's important to understand—and hopefully get ahead of—these costs.

Should you need to help her out financially, keep records of your caregiving and save receipts of all related expenditures. You may be eligible to claim her as a dependent and deduct any unreimbursed medical expenses if they exceed 7.5% of your annual adjusted gross income.

Even the happiest family arrangements benefit from an exit plan. Without one, a "temporary" situation can quietly become permanent—and delay your own next chapter.

How much runway you give your daughter will depend on her circumstances, but it's important to communicate the finite nature of the arrangement. Setting a deadline can be very motivating and will ultimately serve your daughter in her journey toward independence.

With your mother-in-law, on the other hand, you're facing a very different timeline: the point at which she requires more care than you can provide. Consider:

• If she wants to remain at home, what role will you play in her care?
• If assisted living could be an eventual possibility, have you discussed options while she is still healthy enough to weigh in?
• Does she have current advance care directives and powers of attorney should you need to step in?

The most important aspect of multigenerational living is that everyone thrives. Consider setting a predetermined time—perhaps yearly—to reassess the situation so you can adjust what isn't working without letting resentments build.

When family dynamics are strained, it's vital to address the friction honestly and early, ensuring that unmet expectations are resolved before they cause lasting harm to your most important relationships.